“I've had a pretty good weekend - I spent time with my beautiful girlfriend Chez, got some new gadgets for my computers and played my guitar. On the Friday I finished my current lot of training at work.” - Mon Dec 3, 2007

..... just a reflection - a glimpse, just a little reminder of all the 'what abouts?' and all the 'might have beens', the 'could have beens' ... if we'd had another day ... some other way. But now what I thought would always last has passed me by. It's hard to believe it could come down to this, back at the beginning and still sinking.

Somewhere in this night there's a light in front of me. The heavens up above - with a shove, abandon me ... the clouds part and the sky cracks open and god himself reaches his fucking arm through just to push me down, just to hold me down. For hope I'd give my everything...

I woke up today and headed over to Chez's to pick up the last of my stuff that I left behind. Seems everything I had just might be here. But you know me (at least some of you do) I'm sure I have everything, yet I feel I've left something. What ever it is, I hope I can live with out it or get her to drop it off Bel's or something ... I don't want to have to go back again to get more of my stuff ...I don't want to go back to that place... every time I see her ... well, it turns the knife. I think it's funny how everything she swore would never change is different now ... just like her.

Yea, so it feels like the cut's getting deeper, but I know it will heal some day. And yes, the hill's getting steeper, but I must travel on ....I'm not going to lie alone in bed wallowing in sorrow, missing the tomorrows that we might have had and running through my head, over and over things that she said and the things that she never did, things that she did and the things that she never said. All along ... I think I really knew - It was there in the words unspoken. All along I was still believing her ... then she left me here betrayed and broken. It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Things never turn out quite the way I want them.

But now I don't see things the way I did before. Things I felt yesterday, don't matter anymore.
It doesn't make any sense to feel so different everyday, nothings changed except for her. I don't know where it'll end - the sun has set and I can't be friends I don't know if I can forgive. Old loves they die hard, old lies they die harder.